“life will be better in spring”

January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 December 2010 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 March 2012 April 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 March 2014

Last night, my heart hurts so much that i cried. It wasnt the first and last night that i cried.
My heart hurt so much that like im gonna lose something precious to me, like the way how i lose my grandma.
People around me told me to stop thinking about it, but my heart just keeps on thinking.
No matter what i do, no matter where i am, i could always think of my grandma.
Everyone told my grandma to rest in peace, except for me. Because im just so hurt to ask her rest in peace.
After all, this is still too sudden for me to accept.

Now no one can help me, only time and myself is able to help me walk out of this darkness.
But i gave up on helping myself. I've been putting on a smile. But... now i don think i can smile anymore.

Whenever i see knives, i would think how would i cut my hand and how would the blood flows.
And i am always stopping myself to think that way. Because there's still someone out there, who needed me.
To make myself feel better, i hit the wall and scratches myself to feel the pain. After feeling the pain, i would feel better.
I have a feeling that im going to have depression.
I'm afraid...
I wish there's someone to pull me out.

Whenever i cries at night, grandma would come to my dream, is like cheering me up but now she don come to my dream to cheer me up anymore.
And it's time i let go, so i should say "rest in peace, ah ma..."
hope i can really let it go.

I wish i can sleep forever... forever don wake up... cause being awake hurts alot...